It was the first official day of Comic-Con 2010. The sky was still as gray and dark, as it was only 4:30 a.m. Gabe Delahaye and Max Silvestri parked their rental car, a Sahara Sand 2003 Toyota Camry, in the special Hulk Smash/H8 section reserved for visiting pop-culture bloggers. They walked up…
Dear An American Patriot,
Who is this Lindsay person?
Sincerely,
Professor of Blog History
You know THE OLD saying “There are no stupid questions?” WELL SOMEONE better fuckin CALL MYTHBUSTERS because you JUST BLEW THAT shit out OF THE water. ARE YOU fucking KIDDING me? YOU DON’T know who Lindsay IS? THAT’S JUST fuckin straight disrespectful TO ME AND everyone AT VIDEOGUM.COM. But for THE SAKE OF THIS shit, I’m going TO TREAT TO some KNOWLEDGE DINNER.
Lindsay was, FOR AT LEAST A YEAR and some CHANGE, half the FUNNY on Videogum. YEAH, GABE IS A FUNNYASS motherfucker, but HE WAS only HALF OF the site’s funnyass. NOW WE ARE at half-funnyass, IF YOU will. GABE IS only a single ASS CHEEK. HE can’t be BOTH! SHE TORE THAT shit up. AND BY SHIT, I mean fuckin cute animals (EXCEPT FOR that goddamn ALIEN PYGMY JERBOA. I still HAVE NIGHTMARES about that shit, Lindsay). They were EVERYWHERE! NOW THEY are in short supply. Every FRIDAY, GABE AND LINDSAY would drop the charade to duke the FUCK OUT, CRANK 2 style. Now, I appreciate MONSTER’S Ball, but I’m a fucking FRIDAY FIGHT lover 4 LYFE. That shit was GOLD. DO YOURSELF a favor and go read all THAT SHIT. She ALSO HAD some of the BEST DOUBLE DOG’S of all time—Gabe got off EASY PEASY in that SHIT.
YOU SERIOUSLY NEED to take your ass over to Videogum and hit “older stories” until YOU CAN’T hit that SHIT ANYMORE. That’s a FREE FUCKIN course in VIDEOGUM history, POBH. VIDEOGUM IS GREAT but that SHIT USED TO be ))<>((. Now we are at ))<. THAT IS just one POOPING ass! Unless THE TOP scientists can SOMEHOW ENGINEER a poop LOOP THAT IS like this ))<) or unless LINDSAY COMES back, we will NEVER BE BACK and forth FOREVER. WHO IS going to BE THE >((,POBH? ARE YOU going to be the >((; CAUSE I DOUBT that shit. I DOUBT IT hard.
Dear An American Patriot,
Ann Landers once said, “People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.” How can we make Ann Landers shut up?
Sincerely,
Knows His Shit
Wow, KHS, what the fuck is THAT QUOTE SUPPOSED to even mean? I mean SERIOUSLY, ANN Landers? OH FUCK SORROW swims?! DAMN, ANN. SHIT. I’m glad you TOLD ME that. THAT FIXES ALL my fuckin PROBLEMS. Excuse ME WHILE I go tell MY FUCKIN DIVORCE, my kids hating me, getting canned, AND ALL my shit that it knows HOW TO SWIM, SO FUCK IT, it ain’t bothering me! ALSO I WANNA congratulate the FUCK OUT of that shit because, with the AMOUNT I DRINK, my sorrows are SWIMMIN IN A GODDAMN typhoon.
I AGREE that we NEED to get Ann to shut THE FUCK up KHS, and I think I KNOW JUST how to do THIS. YOU NEED TO kidnap her, then WE’RE GOING TO fuckin tie her TO A CHAIR, HOLD HER eyes open CLOCKWORK Orange style, and THEN MAKE HER play the fuck OUT OF FINAL FANTASY 13. She likes little FLIGHTS OF thoughtful fancy and MUSINGS? WELL LETS’ see her give anyone ANY KIND OF ADVICE after playing through all BAZILLION HOURS of that shit fest. It covers EVERY FACET OF everything in THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. SERIOUSLY, IF ANYONE has any kind of DESIRE TO play that game, I urge you TO JUST GO FUCKIN play Red Dead Revolver cause that THING IS OWNAGE in a disc.
DEAR ANN, I hope you fuckin LOVE RUNNING DOWN hallways while GIRLGUYS contemplate LIFE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND life? JAPAN does!
-An American Patriot
Dear An American Patriot,
Where have you gone?
Sincerely,
Creeper Pro 3000
WELL IF you gotta fucking know, IT’S NOT an awesome STORY. I AIN’T BEEN out swashbuckling a BUNCH OF ogres while TRYING TO TURN back time TO GET MY OLD TOYS while just trying to ENJOY THE MIDDLE EAST WITH THE girls. Frank AS FUCK, MY PAPER got downsized, and THEY DECIDED they needed a few LESS EDITORS. SO I GOT the fucking boot. To make SOME ENDS fucking meet, I’ve taken ANOTHER JOB AT a Walmart Distribution CENTER. HAVE YOU ever seen ONE? IT FUCKING blows. The hours ARE HORRIBLE. THE PAY IS decent, though, and it can KEEP ME AFLOAT until I FIND SOMETHING else (THAT IS, better) to do. Unfortunately, THAT ALSO MEANS I’M NOT really fucking around MY COMPUTER much except FOR THE WEEKEND and some days WHEN I’M OFF. Though when I’m off, I’M USUALLY asleep. So yeah, it SUCKS DUCKS but what ELSE AM I gonna do?
But THIS IS A fuckin haphazardly updated ADVICE COLUMN. HOW AM I supposed to GIVE ADVICE to a damn question LIKE THAT? My advice? Don’t FUCKIN GET in to print. SERIOUSLY. WRITE as a fucking hobby. Great. Take some ENGLISH CLASSES and learn how TO ACTUALLY write, GREAT. But fucking GET A REAL degree because you ain’t GONNA shit out a ULYSSES AND just be able to cost off RAVE REVIEWS, SON.
Dear An American Patriot,
Do you have any tips to help me honor my God and my country?
Sincerely,
Prayin’ and Praisin’
HEY PAP, OF course I HAVE some tips TO HELP you fuckin RAISE IT to the next LEVEL with you and GOD AND YOUR country and shit. FIRST OFF, I’M going to just ASSUME YOUR country is THE GOOD ol’ USA! because if it’s NOT I DON’T even know how to HONOR A shitty country so YOU’LL JUST have to stop READING THIS shit now. ANYWAYS, I SUGGEST you start to add GOD AND your country TO EVERYTHING YOU do! HAVE AN AA meeting? WERE A goddamned AMERICAN FLAGGED tshirt. Have a court APPOINTMENT? Put on A FLAGSTRIPPED tie or some SHIT. And everyone knows THAT THE LIBERAL AGENDA has made it SO YOU CAN’T honor GOD OF YOUR own free will ANYMORE, BUT YOU need to just FIGHT that shit and start PRAISING HIM in public. GENERALLY, SHOUTING ABOUT the Lord in PUBLIC PLACES does the fuckin trick. THE DIRTIER YOU look, THE MORE CONVINCING you fuckin are. YOU JUST gotta BRING IT for the LORD, PAP. Fuckin BRING IT!
I think I’LL SHARE WITH you a tip, that SHOULD TOTALLY take this shit TO A NEW level OF COUNTRIGOGATUDE. WHEN YOU ARE with your (legally and CHRISTIANLY WED) loved one, AND YOU ARE in the throws OF heavenly PASSION (that is, YOU ON top and her ON BOTTOM you fuckin SINNERS), just start RECITING THE Lord’s PRAYER or singing the STAR SPANGLED Banner. I cannot TELL you the incredible LOOKS I got WHILE singing and PRAYIN IN RHYTHM with some FREEDOM thrusts. THIS CAN work wether YOU’RE A TOP or a bottom! SO GET AT it!
Dear An American Patriot,
What’s the best record to make out to?
Sincerely,
Kissing in Sour Silence
Well KISS, when your SHIT IS about to get REAL, I understand that YOU MIGHT WANT some slow jams TO START crankin TO GET you going, but FUCK IS the other PERSON SO bad that you NEED MUSIC to take you away? AND YOU BETTER FUCKIN BE married because I don’t WANT TO give you any ADVICE THAT will slicken (is this a WORD? FUCK IT it’s for ALLITERATION, y’all) YOUR SLIPPERY slide DOWN into HELL.
THOSE issues aside, I’VE GOT TO toss my VOTE in for NEIL YOUNG’S On the Beach specifically because THAT WAS the first record MY AMERICAN tonsils ever DEFEATED RUSSIA to. MY girlfriend at the TIME put that shit on and AS IT started spinning SHE PRETTY much jumped all over ME. You’ll go to hell for such thoughts my mother said slapping my fingers and pulling me out of the room. SHE LEANED into me and lightly PLACED HER lips onto mine. I WAS OBVIOUSLY nervous, unsure OF WHAT to do. Now recite your scriptures she yelled as I prayed forgiveness for my unclean thoughts. I KISSED her back. Unclean. AND WE wrapped our ARMS AROUND each other. You are going to be a solider of God, and soldiers of God must be clean. WE wrapped OUR ARMS around each OTHER AND fell backwards, NEIL YOUNG’S warbly voice washing OVER us.
HONESTLY, THOUGH, that shit is all about MEMORIES. I mean, THAT’S ALL it’s fuckin ever about. EVERYONE WANTS “that RECORD” or “that song” onto WHICH THEY can throw all SORTS OF ASSOCIATIONS of simpler times SO ANYTIME things get rough or UNSTEADY they can shelter THEMSELVES UNDER the fragile, deceptive care OF nostalgia. SO MAKE whatever MEMORIES YOU want to make, KISS, BUT remember to NOT DWELL too much ON THOSE memories. Otherwise they WILL ABSORB you and regardless of what you’re MAKING OUT TO now, it’ll never BE THAT original record, THAT ORIGINAL kiss. It will NEVER AGAIN be that ORIGINAL spark, and we ALL JUST have to PUT SOME adult diapers ON and deal.
Dear An American Patriot,
Do you support this: willsmithforpresident.tumblr.com ?
Sincerely,
Crazy in the Fuckin Head
Dear CINTFH, maybe! I MEAN, we all have to consider THAT AT some point, there’s THE CHANCE OF a giant METAL SPIDER invasion. Or maybe SOME ZOMBIE/VAMPIRE things! Or even some fuckin aliens in spaceships. However, I DON’T THINK we have to worry about THOSE THINGS just fuckin YET, you KNOW? There’s signs: SUDDENLY we’re all living in a pulpy, Jules Verne-wannabe Western WORLD (time TRAVEL?!), people start BITING THE fuck out OF each other, OR BILL Pullman BECOMES President of the United STATES AND STARTS giving shitty SPEECHES. I think WE NEED TO keep Will Smith’s POTENTIALL SCIENTOLOGIST ass in reserve. IF our wonderful DINNERS GET interrupted, THEN FUCK it: American better DRUMLINE.
But REALLY, what celebrity DO I FUCKIN unconditionally SUPPORT FOR THE President of OUR BELOVED United States? YOU BETTER say FUCKIN goddamn YES WE can TO A Mr. Christopher JOHN “Topher” GRACE, y’all!
Editor’s Note: SO I think I may try MAKING THIS shit for MONDAYS from now ON. That WAY I HAVE the weekend TO WRITE and shit. SO IF I CAN get three more questions THIS WEEKEND, we’ll START THAT shit this week!
ALRIGHT Y’ALL let’s do THIS SHIT. I dunno WHAT’S GONNA happen, you DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GONNA happen, BUT LET’S HAVE some brewskies, PUT ON SOME SKYNNARD, and SEE WHERE THE night TAKES US! ASK ME SOME questions ON HERE OR email ME AND I’ll ANSWER THAT shit on A WEEKLY basis. Maybe? IT’S FREEDOM, so fuck it WE’LL JUST ROLL WITH IT.
Also, IF THIS SITE impregnates YOU, I AIN’T taking CREDIT!
